I Wish

When I get that phone call sometime in the distant future, I wonder how I will react knowing that your time is almost up.  I wish I could say that time would stand still as I drop the phone and my feet seem to move unconsciously as I get in the car and rush to the hospital.  But I will probably be thinking how I can turn this into a poem or how do I break the news to the children I may have.  As I get to the hospital and I make it to your room, I see my sister already there crying all over the place, making the scene so ugly.  I wish I could say I would be doing the same, broken down into sobs with my legs no longer supporting me, leaving me crumpled on the floor no longer able to form sentences.  Cursing and screaming at no one, Why her!?  You took my father, not mommy too!  But no, I will probably fake some sobs to make me not look heartless, although deep down all I wanted to do was go out into the streets and sing, The wicked witch is dead!  But for some reason I find myself thinking back to that day we went prom dress shopping.  How you called me a disappointment when you found the cuts on my arms and you stormed out of the shop with irritation, leaving the seamstress to calm me and tell me I was beautiful while she wiped away my tears.  I thought about that car ride home, as you screamed at me.  Threatening to not let me go to prom, saying I deserved to be in a nuthouse instead.  Going over all of the other things I did wrong in my life.  

I thought about how I could never please you.  

But that day has not come yet, and probably won't for a long time.  And as I write this all down, I wish that before your death I can hope to love you enough to actually do the things I wish I could do.  But until then mother dearest, I can only wish that you live forever.